Spike (got_the_spark) wrote in just_issues,
Spike
got_the_spark
just_issues

You make me feel like a man.

Felt right it did, just holding him in my arms as we each fell asleep. Could even say I had a feeling of completeness, whatever that may be. Wasn’t really suppose to feel something like that, least don’t think I was. I mean sure I was a vampire and had a soul now but still I was a vampire. Wasn’t suppose to feel these human feelings, these feelings that I could never quit get when I was a human. So why now? Why after all these years of longing for it but never being able to find it. Each time I thought I could’ve found it something happened. As a vampire I wasn’t suppose to feel it and “went soft” when I did feel it. Then again don’t suppose I ever really did truly love Dru. Sure, I loved the crazy bint but wasn’t really my choose. Just happened you know. Was a sad excuse for a man and then she came along and showed me a whole new world. Showed me that I didn’t have to be scared and pathetic fool. I realized how much potential I had and I guess that’s what drove me to falling for her. But being with her I hide my true self, hide my true self when I became a vampire. Didn’t at first with the whole wanting to keep my movie around. Didn’t matter if I lost my soul or not I still loved my mother and cared bout her. Still felt and cared bout many things I did when I was human. That wasn’t right for a vampire, or so I hear.

As much as I regret most of what I have done, I’m startin’ to not anymore. I mean I still do, don’t feel right bout killing all those people anymore. Soul really does work wonders on that one. Makes you feel all guilty and feel this pain like you’ve never felt before. For months I could see their faces and hear their screams. Felt like the fires of hell burin’ me up every night. But soon I came in terms of it, won’t lie and say that I still don’t get that here and there. Guess that feelin’ will never go away completely, especially with all that I have done. Makes me give Angel a bit of credit, though not much, for putting up for it for so long.

Not regretting all those things as much anymore cusae it was those things that lead me here, no to this point, to this bed with Wesley in my arms. So many times I wished I would’ve never came upon Dru in that alley, didn’t really even want to go to that party that night but mother forced me. Told me I needed to get out there and even read my poems to Cicely. Listened to her and look where I ended up. Even wished a few times that I would’ve gotten staked early on in my life as a vampire but now I’m glad I didn’t.

Maybe I’m jumping a bit ahead of myself here but just couldn’t help but feel the way I was feeling. Really hope this wasn’t just some little infatuation of his. Could only be sticking round right now because of what happened to him. Needs me to take care of him. Though as much as those thoughts play out in the back of my mine I know he wouldn’t do that. Don’t really know how I know that but I just do.

My eye lids felt heavy as they tried to flutter themselves open. Took bout a few second before my eyes were completely open. Felt like we’d been sleeping for hours, probably have been. I could still feel him in my arms, for a moment there I thought I’d wake up and he’d be gone but he wasn’t. Still there like he was when we fell asleep. Couldn’t help but snuggle my body up closer to his. I wanted to fall back to sleep so we could stay like this, didn’t want to wake up. Didn’t want him to wake up, was worried when he did things would slowly start to change. I didn’t want that, wanted things to stay how they are now cuase everything felt so right, felt so perfect.

I placed a kiss on his forehead and then his check. As I did so I noticed his eyes startin’ to blink open “Mornin’ love. Hope you enjoyed the rest.” I say looking at him with a adoring look.
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It’s been quite some time since I’ve slept this well. With the nightmares I mean. Ever since that night on the roof where I shot my father - or not my father as it turned out, not that this made any difference, I thought he was my father - there had been the nightmares. I’m no stranger to nightmares, they’re usually there. But most of the time I can ignore them. Except when things get to much to handle. Like after Faith had tied me to a chair, after Angel fired us and I got shot, after the building exploded around me after… There’ something else, but I can’t quite grasp it. For some reason, that seems to be the worst of them all, but when I wake up, it’s all gone.

There were no nightmares this time though. Just a pleasant feeling of safety, of comfort. I could feel his arms around me, his cool body pressed closed to mine. My warmth seeping into his skin, his body, as he borrowed it from me. I didn’t mind, I’d gladly shared anything with him. Now there was a thought that shocked me. I’ve not felt like this in a very long time. The last time had been…Angel. He was still my best friend, but the adoration, the devotion in me had changed. Angel had changed, and I couldn’t put my finger on the why of that.

It must’ve been near morning when my body started to wake up. I was half expecting to find my bed empty bar myself. For Spike to have snuk out in the middle of the night. It’s what they usually did, those I took home to get myself lost. But it had been different this time. I didn’t get lost around Spike, I somehow found myself. Startling, to say the least. But when I woke up a bit more, I found he was still there. Holding me, snuggled close to me as I did to him. It was rather surreal and I was a bit afraid to open my eyes and realize I was only imagining things.

In the end I did open my eyes and sucked in my breath as I saw him look at him. The look in his eyes took my breath away. A smile slid on my face, a stab of pain on my face reminding me of the reason he was here in the first place. Thank you Angel, I doubt you knew this was going to be the result when you accidentally hit me. As to which….ow. That’s swollen quite a lot. But who cares when I have a gorgeous vampire near me who seems to care about me.

“Good morning,” I rumbled, my voice still rather sleepy. I was still smiling as I reached up a hand to cup his face. “My rest was wonderful, but waking up is even more lovely when there’s such a sight.” Oh god, getting sappy again. Cleary not awake.
There’s a lot of things in life you just don’t feel is possible till they happen, this was one of those things. Was half expecting him to run out of the bed once he realized I was here and remembered what happened last night, but he didn’t. Just said good morning back to me and stayed in my arms. Even took my hand in his. Can’t shake of this feelin’ that I keep on getting round him.

“My rest was wonderful, but waking up is even more lovely when there’s such a sight.”

I slightly smirk. “Where’s the lovely sight? Don’t see one here, well sides you that is.” The corners of my lips slightly curl towards forming a smile. Only the next day and I was getting more and more amazed by him. This wasn’t good, or maybe it was good. Just wait till Angel finds out bout what happened. Well, he knew what happened basically just when he finds out what his punch ended up doing. Wonder how things would’ve turned out if it wasn’t for that punch hitting Wesley’s face.

“Your face any better?” I ask with a concerned look as I lightly trace my fingertips over the bursed spot on his face. Damn you Angel for doing this to such a wonderful man like Wesley, mind you that he was trying to hit me. So guess it was really my fault in a sense.

“Feel bad bout this love. Should’ve just taken the hit from him, then this” I place a soft kiss over the burse “wouldn’t have happened.”

Everything was starting to feel so right, didn’t want to have to get up from this bed. Well, I suppose he won’t be going back to work for a day or so still, so we have that time. Just worried that once we leave this moment things will go back to how they were, not that they could. But they will be different. That’s how it always is. Then again this time it’s not with some slayer that things she’s better then everyone else and wants to distance herself. Damn girl never did know what she wanted. Well, at the end she slightly did but even then didn’t completely know. I was just always convenient and there for her you could say. But with Wesley I get a different feeling bout the whole thing. I always knew from the start with Buffy that it was nothing more then lust, on her part, and wouldn’t ever amount to anything. Was just to scared to admit that to myself.
I can feel myself blushing when he tells me there’s no lovely sight…besides me. Damn, when was the last time I blushed like this? I thought I’d overgrown *that* habit a long time ago. I don’t know exactly when, but it’s there somewhere in that fogged up part of my brain. I’m going to have to look into that. This missing pieces of my past are getting worrisome. I could blame it on my concussion, but it had been there even before that.

I find myself smiling back at Spike shyly, eyes darting to his lips and then up to his eyes again. “Personally, I think my view is a whole lot better,” I murmur, making myself a little more comfortable against him. We’re not in any hurry. I’m not going into work today at least, and it doesn’t seem as though Spike has any urgent business. Good, we can both use some time to just relax.

“It’s better,” I sigh, leaning into his touch as his finger tips graze the bruise. My eyes flutter closed and I allow myself to enjoy the feeling of those cool fingers against heated skin for a moment. I’m not sure what made my eyes fly open. The kiss he gave me there, or his words. I guess it’s a combination of the two, though I wouldn’t mind more of those kisses. Anywhere.

“No,” I reply rather fierce, reaching up to cup his face. I force him to look at me, even though we both know he could tear out of my grip any time he wanted to. He *was* still a vampire and I nothing but a mere mortal. “It’s not your fault. Angel is the one who made a fist, it doesn’t matter whom he got with it. He was still wrong.” Which I will tell me the moment I go back to work. Utter wanker and his ‘hit first ask questions later’ ways. I thought I’d cured him of that.

It was my turn to lean in and replace the thumb that was brushing his lower lip with my own lips. I sighed into his mouth, parting my lips as I let my tongue snake out to slide over his. By the time I needed air, I was utterly lost in the kiss, my brain apparently having oozed out of my ears. Panting, I pulled back and remembered what that kiss was for again.

“It’s *not* your fault, Spike. Besides, he seems to have done us quite a favor.” I doubt, we may have ended up here, like this otherwise. We’ll never know though, and I’m not going to think about it to much.
I liked knowing that he liked this to and with each time his eyes took hold of mine I felt more and more like I was in some sort of heaven. Not that I ever could go to some sort of heaven, hell look at me. I was such an evil creature, all the horrible things I did. And look I did die, died saving the world. Thought that would’ve gotten me into heaven but all it did was bring me to Angel. Which now looking at it I guess I really did get rewarded because being here with him was my heaven. Least I hope it is, well is right now and hope it will still like that.

I was glad to hear that his face was feelin’ better, hated seeing the guy like that. Hated it more cuase I knew Angel did it. Always thinking he’s right and so high headed, it’s like the whole world should relove round him. Well, sorry mate, it doesn’t work that way. Not that way at all. Guess that never will get though till Angel, until he goes around hurting all those close to him, maybe then it will get though to him.

Actually….thinking bout it….. doubt it….

Guess he was right in a sense, Angel did do us a favor. If you look a it that way, mean otherwise I wouldn’t be here laying in bed with Wesley. Then again who knows but least we know I wouldn’t be taking care of him like this and spending more time with him. He would’ve been going to work right now, work with Angel. So much of me right now wants to go march into that building of his and punch him in the soddin’ face for what he did. I know I’ll have my chance to get back at him later.

“True love, least something good came out of this.” I smile and place a cool kiss upon his warm forehead. “Do you need anything right now love? Or would you rather just lay here right now?” Funny but I was willing to do anything for Wesley right now, strange how much can change in one night.
After my words he seemed to be sinking in thought again. Unlike Angel he didn’t brood about, though with Angel you never really knew what he thought. With Spike however you can see the emotions flick over his face. Anger, thoughtfulness, sadness and something what I hoped to be happiness. Or at least contentment.

Putting my head back down on his shoulder I brushed my hand over his chest and smiled when he kissed my forehead. His lips were so very cool and soothing it made me yearn for more. Did I need anything else? I needed plenty, but none of that was realistic. And what was realistic, though I had never dreamed of that ever happening, was right here underneath me. And who’d have thought that when I came back from my ‘vacation’ from England. Merry old England, indeed.

“Hmmm, just laying here sounds like heaven,” I murmured around a yawn. I was still so very tired, mostly due to the fact that I’d been woken up several times during the night. A necessity, but a tiring one. ”Since I don’t have anything to do tomorrow…errr…today? In the next few days even I vote for some relaxation.”

I paused for a moment, looking up at him with a shy smile. “Err…unless you’ve something to do today of course. I uh, wouldn’t want to claim you.” Or cling onto him, that way only led to problems. As the past has shown me.

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

The moment I ask him once again what is wrong, he seem to become unusually subdued. By now I’m starting to get very worried about what I’ve done wrong this time. It’s not a secret that all my ‘relation ships’ if one can call them that, in the past got messed up before even they really got started.

Virginia pulled away because she couldn’t handle my job. Fred was out of my reach and moved onto Gunn. Lilah… Lilah got killed because… because… I don’t really know what happened to her. That’s…disturbing. I try to think of it, but it’s gone the moment it try it. Then Spike whispers his words and the thought is gone completely.

He’s worried about that? I look at him with a small bit of disbelieve and then realize that his only relation ship was with a Slayer who has super strength and super healing. And before that Dru, and lets not even start about that.

“Spike, love,” I sigh, reaching out to threat my fingers though his hair. “I’m human, I’ve a concussion. Of course I will pull away if you try to get rough. I’m-I’m sorry,” I whisper, glancing down at my hand as I drop it, “that I can’t give you what you need.”
I listened to what he said and it made sense. He was human and I knew that. But I wasn't used to that. Only been with Dru and the Slayer and well ok Harmony but we can forget bout that one. Each of them weren't human or more then human. But I did know that from the get go with him, that's why I liked him. He wasn't like the others, didn't have this complex thought that he was so powerful. He was fragile and could break easily. I liked that bout him, liked the fact that he was so delicate.

"No need to be sorry bout it" I didn't like the fact that he was apologizing bout it, had no reason to. But what he said next was worse of all. Was saying that he was sorry that he couldn't give me what I need. What does he know bout what I need. And what does he think I am? Just some sex crazed vampire. Not that I didn't like it, but that wasn't what I was all bout. Really was a fool for love. Would let it consume me at any given time.

"Don't ever say that again." I say in a harsh voice.

I'm silent for a moment just looking at him. And then I sigh "Didn't mean to say it like that. Just don't want you thinkin' that bout me. All I need is you, none of that stuff matters. Sides doing it nice and slow is nice too. Need some of that, more well..." I pause, here I go startin' with my love talk. Didn't want him to think that was strange or something. Sure, I showed him a lot of me that only few have seen but still I was Spike, formally William the Bloody.
His hard words make me flinch, the headache intensifying them by a tenfold. I quickly pull away from him as much as he’ll let me and glance down at my hands which I’ve automatically folded in my lap. Somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear my fathers voice, scolding me, laughing at me, mocking me. He sometimes used the same harsh tone of voice, though his never held much compassion.

Unlike Spike’s.

Another excuse is ready to tumble from my lips, but not wanting to hear any more harsh words from him I quickly swallow them down. I was a fool to think this could work out. And even when I explain things to him, I know he’s a vampire and I know he’ll need the roughness sometimes. It’s not something he can deny his demon, and I’m quite prepared to give it to him but not now.

I don’t know what he’s thinking though. And I’m pretty sure he has the wrong idea of why I said that. Taking a deep breath and getting myself under control - its funny what pain can do to one’s emotional state and I don’t like it - I listen to his next words and only get sadder. Now he’s going to adjust himself for me? But I love Spike, not some adjusted version.

“More what…?” I ask in a whisper, fear clutching my heart. But it’s better we get what we’d like out of this in the open now, then wait until we’re in to deep.
He started to pull away from me, I tired to hold on, didn't want that one bit. What was happening? Everything was going so nice and now look at it...it was well already startin' to go down hill.

He wanted to know what I was bout to say when I said 'more well'. Should I go on or just skip over the question? The look in his face says I shouldn't, but I want to just run away from it all. Let myself get too carried away with Buffy and look where it got me. Didn't want the same again. "More well.." I pause once more. Hard for me to get it out. "More love.." I finally manage to get out. "Don't need all this rough let's just shag stuff. Sure that can be nice here and there, a bit naughty which is always fun but not what I want deep inside. Not it one bit."

And there I did it. Started to expose most of my heart. Probably think I'm some sort of fool now. Just started this little dance of ours the other night and yea here I was. Then again already talkin' stuff like this earlier, stuff bout us just wanting to be with each other and how perfect we felt, something long those lines. So what was the difference with this?

"Just need you to know you mean more to me then some quick shag. Even though your not quick..your long but you get the picture."
“Yes?” I prodded, giving him what I hoped was an encouraging look. More what? He seemed to have lot of trouble getting out what he meant to say. As though he was in physical pain once he’d uttered the words. Or as though he was expecting me to laugh or tell him to leave, or something equally as bad. I really couldn’t phantom what was so terrible that he couldn’t say it.

When he finally did manage to get it out, in a such a soft whisper I had to lean in to hear it, I was stunned. More love? I have to admit being somewhat confused by what he meant, but when I saw the look on his face, I melted completely. It was such a vulnerable look, such an open look even though he tried to hide it, I couldn’t doubt him being completely honest.

A small smile slid out and which grew even wide at last words. They were so Spike like I doubt most people would’ve been able to have them make sense. But they made sense to me, and they lifted that fear of me that been covering me like a suffocating blanket.

“Spike,” I murmured, brushing the back of my hand over his cheek before cupping it. I turned his head to he was looking at me and not away and then leaned in to softly kiss him. Soft, sweet, gentle and bloody well taking my time. When I finally pulled away because I needed air, I put my forehead against his and smiled at him again.

“You’re not quick either,” I told him, “We make quite a pair don’t we? Do you want to go back to being completely unmanly and cuddle?” I liked cuddling with him and my head was starting to pound again. So laying down did seem like the best option. And a nice one at that.

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

_fool_for_love

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

11 years ago

“Not cute,” I insist, rubbing my cheek on his shoulder. Chest? I don’t know, I’ve my eyes closed and thanks to this killer headache I’m not going to open them any time soon. Besides, I’m to tired to do so. And to comfortable. I think Spike makes for a very nice mattress, or a pillow. Either way, I enjoy laying on him, against him, whichever, very much.
Another yawn gets out and I can feel myself dozing off. Spike’s still talking but his voice is coming from far, far away. Like an echo you hear with your head under water. Not that I heard the much, since I can’t swim, but there have been times. Those weren’t as pleasant as this time though.

“Hmmm.” Slowly, I can feel myself slipping away into the world of pleasant unconsciousness. Sounds fade away, and all that’s left is cool skin under my much warmer ones until that too, fades away. I recall slipping my leg over Spike’s as I snuggled closer, but that’s about it before the world turns into a blissful black and I’m fast asleep. Hopefully for a few very nice hours.
Kept on talkin' saying a few things to him but after awhile I realized that he wasn't listening. Not that he wasn't listening but he fell fast asleep. I couldn't help but just look at his face with his eyes closed and think how lucky I am right now. And the way he looks while he's sleepin' can't be beat by anything else. Don't think I'll ever get that look out of my head.

I place one last kiss on his forehead, even though he won't even know I did it but can't help not to, and allow myself to close my eyes to. Wasn't really all that tired but a little sleep could never hurt anyone. Especially since I want to be wide awake later when my love Wesley awakes. Won't be no fun for him if I just wanna sleep now will it.

"Sleep tight" I mutter as I close my eyes. Laid there awake for awhile before I finally started to slip off into a nice sleep.
My face aches, is my first thought. Of course it still does, is my second when I wake up. Or try to wake up would be more accurate. My eye is throbbing, moving the muscles of my face hurts, and my head…is doing much better though. At least it’s not as if some demonic conga band is doing battle with a mini mariachi band. Sleep is a very good healer it would seem after all. Laying in the arms of Spike however? Even better.

Shifting a little, afraid to wake him up, I opened my eyes to slit. Alright, I opened one eye. The room was blissfully dark, for which both Spike and myself were very grateful I’m sure. I because I did not want this headache to grow to unbearable proportions again and Spike because I think he’d rather stay…err… none dust.

“Hmmm,” I groaned, hand coming up to rub over my face. I stretched out in his arms and found myself snuggling closer instead of moving to wake up further. My hand hit my face and I winched, “Ow, bloody hell,” under my breath and then froze, hoping I’d not waken up Spike. I mean, I’m not the only one who needs his sleep.
Angel was there, he was lookin’ at me with one of his all high and mighty looks, but I didn’t let that get to me. Didn’t let that stop me from doin’ what I was doin’. Went up to Wesley and placed a kiss upon his lips, right in front of Angel. I could feel the anger growin’ inside of the bloke as he stormed towards us. He gave Wesley a nasty look and told him to get out, told Wesley that if he was to work for him then he couldn’t be with me. I was worried that Wesley wouldn’t stay with me, he’s known Angel much longer and I could’ve just been a thing for him. But he didn’t he stood up to Angel and told Angel he was leaving with me. Just as we were bout ready to walk out he says something ““Ow, bloody hell,”.

Everything round us suddenly starts to change and I’m not standing anymore. I’m layin’ down and its dark, my eyes slowly star to open as I feel Wesley’s body against mine. It was just a dream I was havin’, a good one at it. Well, don’t really want Wesley to have to be put in that situation but I hope he would choose me if it happened.

“Mornin’ pet.” Even though I have no idea if it’s morning or night, don’t really know how long we’d been sleepin’. Just fitted the moment I guess. “Had a dream bout us, that Angel told you to pick between me and him. Even kissed you in front of him, got captin’ forehead all hot and tempered. Course you picked me, but would you do that love? If it really happened?” I say asking him with all honesty. Had to know if he would really do that, then again not like it was somethin’ we’d truly know unless we were in that situation.
The smile I feel sliding on my face when I hear his voice, telling me it’s a good morning, is something I’m not used to. Ever since we’ve started working for Wolfram and Hart I seem to have forgotten how to smile. First there was Gunn alienating himself from us, then there was Fred falling for Knox…my father. And even that vague gray area before Wolfram and Hart, there’s something about that which makes me realized I’ve not actually smiled, or laughed, in quite a long time.

The smile runs away from my face however when he tells me about his dream. I know about vampires, I’m a watcher, how can I not know? I know they can be territorial as well. What I hadn’t expected however was for Spike to do the same. In fact, his words hurt as much as Angel’s fist to my face. I thought it would be different with him, or with Angel, since they both have a soul.

I guess I was wrong.

“You both would force me to choose between the two of you?” I ask, giving him a hurt look. Pulling away, I squint at him and shake my head. Which, also bad idea. Ow. Doesn’t hurt as much as him wanting to choose between the man who’s made me who I am today, my best friend. And the man I’m falling in love with. How can anyone expect me to do that?

“Let’s hope that never happens. Because if ever, either of you expects me to choose,” and by now I know that both of them want me to, but are afraid to say it, “I will choose neither and leave. Because that is an unfair and unjust choice you’ll both be asking of me. I’m going to take a shower,” I murmur, staggering out of bed and over to the shower. Oh, the world is spinning again. Pretty…nauseating really.

got_the_spark

11 years ago

watcher_pryce

11 years ago

got_the_spark

10 years ago

watcher_pryce

10 years ago

got_the_spark

10 years ago

watcher_pryce

10 years ago

got_the_spark

10 years ago

watcher_pryce

10 years ago

got_the_spark

10 years ago

watcher_pryce

10 years ago