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We All Have Issues

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[04 Jul 2007|11:43pm]

[ mood | relaxed ]

Continued from Here

Bathing timeCollapse )

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You make me feel like a man. [27 Jan 2006|01:42am]

Felt right it did, just holding him in my arms as we each fell asleep. Could even say I had a feeling of completeness, whatever that may be. Wasn’t really suppose to feel something like that, least don’t think I was. I mean sure I was a vampire and had a soul now but still I was a vampire. Wasn’t suppose to feel these human feelings, these feelings that I could never quit get when I was a human. So why now? Why after all these years of longing for it but never being able to find it. Each time I thought I could’ve found it something happened. As a vampire I wasn’t suppose to feel it and “went soft” when I did feel it. Then again don’t suppose I ever really did truly love Dru. Sure, I loved the crazy bint but wasn’t really my choose. Just happened you know. Was a sad excuse for a man and then she came along and showed me a whole new world. Showed me that I didn’t have to be scared and pathetic fool. I realized how much potential I had and I guess that’s what drove me to falling for her. But being with her I hide my true self, hide my true self when I became a vampire. Didn’t at first with the whole wanting to keep my movie around. Didn’t matter if I lost my soul or not I still loved my mother and cared bout her. Still felt and cared bout many things I did when I was human. That wasn’t right for a vampire, or so I hear.

As much as I regret most of what I have done, I’m startin’ to not anymore. I mean I still do, don’t feel right bout killing all those people anymore. Soul really does work wonders on that one. Makes you feel all guilty and feel this pain like you’ve never felt before. For months I could see their faces and hear their screams. Felt like the fires of hell burin’ me up every night. But soon I came in terms of it, won’t lie and say that I still don’t get that here and there. Guess that feelin’ will never go away completely, especially with all that I have done. Makes me give Angel a bit of credit, though not much, for putting up for it for so long.

Not regretting all those things as much anymore cusae it was those things that lead me here, no to this point, to this bed with Wesley in my arms. So many times I wished I would’ve never came upon Dru in that alley, didn’t really even want to go to that party that night but mother forced me. Told me I needed to get out there and even read my poems to Cicely. Listened to her and look where I ended up. Even wished a few times that I would’ve gotten staked early on in my life as a vampire but now I’m glad I didn’t.

Maybe I’m jumping a bit ahead of myself here but just couldn’t help but feel the way I was feeling. Really hope this wasn’t just some little infatuation of his. Could only be sticking round right now because of what happened to him. Needs me to take care of him. Though as much as those thoughts play out in the back of my mine I know he wouldn’t do that. Don’t really know how I know that but I just do.

My eye lids felt heavy as they tried to flutter themselves open. Took bout a few second before my eyes were completely open. Felt like we’d been sleeping for hours, probably have been. I could still feel him in my arms, for a moment there I thought I’d wake up and he’d be gone but he wasn’t. Still there like he was when we fell asleep. Couldn’t help but snuggle my body up closer to his. I wanted to fall back to sleep so we could stay like this, didn’t want to wake up. Didn’t want him to wake up, was worried when he did things would slowly start to change. I didn’t want that, wanted things to stay how they are now cuase everything felt so right, felt so perfect.

I placed a kiss on his forehead and then his check. As I did so I noticed his eyes startin’ to blink open “Mornin’ love. Hope you enjoyed the rest.” I say looking at him with a adoring look.
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[12 Sep 2005|08:49am]

[ mood | sore ]

Continued from Here

Of caring and caretakingCollapse )

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[13 Jul 2005|06:25am]

continued from here

Just try to cheer up a man and you end up doing far more then that. Not that it didn’t do me any good either, I rather enjoyed my time here with Wesley and still was. Wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, never thought he had it in him. He was more then I ever thought he’d be and I continued to see that each passing minute with him. I just hoped things could remain a bit like this afterwards, once we return to the normal world we were subjected to.

The water felt nice hitting all the sore spots on my body. Course soon those spots wouldn’t be sore much longer with the whole vampire healing thing I had going on for me.

He poured some soap into his hands and began to rub it over my chest. It felt nice being touched that way, just being touched by him in general felt nice. I liked the way he blushed when I said something nice bout him, made me want to lick him up all over again. He then told me that I looked very sexy when wet, have to say that sounded nice coming from him, especially now. I just smiled a bit at him as he pushed himself closer to me.

I titled my head to the side a bit as she ran his fingers through my platinum locks. He pushed my hair out of its usually shape, even said he liked it like that and asked why I always slicked it back. “Guess its just my thing, never thought of it much just started doing it that way one day. Didn’t always wear it like that you know.”

Seemed like we were both getting more comfortable with each other, maybe more then we should. Then again it could be good, I wasn’t one to open up to others, in fact hardly opened up to the slayer but a bit. Other then that I kept most of me, the real me aside. Yet somehow I had a feeling that was going to change eventually, maybe he’d even be the one to get that out of me.

I took the bottle of soap from where he place it and poured some out into my hand. I gave him a quick smirk then started to rub the soap up his arms and down his back. While I was doing this I managed to push myself a bit closer to him, enough where are chest were barely touching.
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[09 May 2005|12:04pm]

Continued from Here

I wasn't really certain what was going on. Spike and I had been sparring, rather violently at that. But it was what I needed at the moment. Some way to channel the anger that I kept locked up inside, some way to get rid of the pent up frustration. Spike seemed to understand that, even though he was holding back. Angel wouldn't even have a real sparring session with me. That is, if he wasn't trying his best to avoid me. As do the others. Ever since I came back from my...vacation. Since I shot the cyborg posing as my father.

Spike had knocked me down and the moment I hit the floor, a lot of confusing images went flooding through my mind. Flashing before my eyes. I was confused by them. I could understand the ones about my father, those had been true. But not the ones about Angel wanting me dead and trying to smother me with a pillow. I didn't understand those. Not one bit. No matter how much sense I tried to make of them. Of course Spike had no idea either.

And here we were. I was laying on the floor, trying to move. And he was holding my hand, ready to pull me up. Only he didn't. Instead he plopped down next to me. Raising my eyebrow, I turned my head to look at him. "Did I get you better then I thought?" I grinned at him, wincing when that made it clear that my eye might be quite swollen if I didn't put something on it. Not that I cared, who'd see me anyway. Everyone was avoiding me. Buggers.

"Comfortable?" I asked, blinking at the hand he was still holding. At least I knew wasn't alone here, some form of physical evidence. Which must be nice for him too. What, with being a ghost for quite some time.
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[19 Mar 2005|05:18am]

Bloody ‘ell just what I needed. Well, more of what I needed. I go though hell and back again to get the spark for her but still it wasn’t enough. Well, not until the final moment then it was and then she loved me. Doubt she even loved me then, I know she was just saying it out of pity for me. Come on now I was ‘bout to die a champion fighting the good fight. But as anything in this world I came back, see that nice and shiny little amulet Buffy gave to me belonged to that place where Angel was working now. Yep, that place called Wolfram and Hart and behold there I am popping out of the amulet in front of Angel and company. Have to say I loved the look on Angel’s face when he say me, it was bloody priceless.

Well, instead of being my own free man and being able to leave the damn place I was all non corporal, a bleedin’ ghost, can you believe that. Let’s just say it wasn’t too bad, going all about and haunting Angel, drove him mad. But like everything even that came to end as I was slowly slipping away to some hell dimension. I bloody find out that some Wolfram and Hart spirit, named Pavayne is playing his hand at torturing me. Well, we got that one under control but I was still left being non corporal but I had to be. Getting a hold of that spirit Pavayne was more important then me being all corporal again.

So there I was back again just haunting the halls of good ‘ol Wolfram and Hart when suddenly I get a nice little package, well not so nice when a white light flashes out and leave the phones going haywire. But then there I was corporal again. Which was wonderful expect the fact that we find out something ‘bout the universe being turned into turmoil ‘cuase both Angel and I got our souls. Which leads us to the nice little goose chase might I say. Find out something ‘bout this cup that will prove which one of us is the destined one for that whole Shanshu prophecy load of crap.

Angel and I battle it out in which I prove to be the true champion and get that bloody cup to find out it was bleedin’ Mountin Dew inside. Some bloody bastard set us up, all that for nothing. I should’ve gotten something, I proved myself worth it. ‘sides as I told Angel, which he didn’t like might I add, that I actually fought for my soul. Why? Because I knew it was the right thing to do. He just got the bloody soul shoved up him by some gypsy wankers. He didn’t even want the damn thing.

Guess I should bloody leave this place now but where would I go. The damn slayer wouldn’t want me now, after I went all out fighting the good fight for her can’t just show up at her door step saying “Hunny I’m home” and expect her to be glad to see me. Just doesn’t work out that way. ‘sides the fact that I know she only told me she loved me ‘cause I was ‘bout to go out. At least now I have that from her, but if I go out there and find her she’ll probably take that back then I won’t have that memory anymore. Instead I’ll have whatever new thing it is she says to me. ‘uppose I might as well just stay here bugging the ‘ell out of Angel.

I sigh as I make my way down the hall. I intend on going to Angel’s office and cause some more problems for the stupid sod. Never could get tired of that. Stupid brood would always give me those annoyed looks. Let’s just say it was all in a day’s work.
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