Spike (got_the_spark) wrote in just_issues,

You make me feel like a man.

Felt right it did, just holding him in my arms as we each fell asleep. Could even say I had a feeling of completeness, whatever that may be. Wasn’t really suppose to feel something like that, least don’t think I was. I mean sure I was a vampire and had a soul now but still I was a vampire. Wasn’t suppose to feel these human feelings, these feelings that I could never quit get when I was a human. So why now? Why after all these years of longing for it but never being able to find it. Each time I thought I could’ve found it something happened. As a vampire I wasn’t suppose to feel it and “went soft” when I did feel it. Then again don’t suppose I ever really did truly love Dru. Sure, I loved the crazy bint but wasn’t really my choose. Just happened you know. Was a sad excuse for a man and then she came along and showed me a whole new world. Showed me that I didn’t have to be scared and pathetic fool. I realized how much potential I had and I guess that’s what drove me to falling for her. But being with her I hide my true self, hide my true self when I became a vampire. Didn’t at first with the whole wanting to keep my movie around. Didn’t matter if I lost my soul or not I still loved my mother and cared bout her. Still felt and cared bout many things I did when I was human. That wasn’t right for a vampire, or so I hear.

As much as I regret most of what I have done, I’m startin’ to not anymore. I mean I still do, don’t feel right bout killing all those people anymore. Soul really does work wonders on that one. Makes you feel all guilty and feel this pain like you’ve never felt before. For months I could see their faces and hear their screams. Felt like the fires of hell burin’ me up every night. But soon I came in terms of it, won’t lie and say that I still don’t get that here and there. Guess that feelin’ will never go away completely, especially with all that I have done. Makes me give Angel a bit of credit, though not much, for putting up for it for so long.

Not regretting all those things as much anymore cusae it was those things that lead me here, no to this point, to this bed with Wesley in my arms. So many times I wished I would’ve never came upon Dru in that alley, didn’t really even want to go to that party that night but mother forced me. Told me I needed to get out there and even read my poems to Cicely. Listened to her and look where I ended up. Even wished a few times that I would’ve gotten staked early on in my life as a vampire but now I’m glad I didn’t.

Maybe I’m jumping a bit ahead of myself here but just couldn’t help but feel the way I was feeling. Really hope this wasn’t just some little infatuation of his. Could only be sticking round right now because of what happened to him. Needs me to take care of him. Though as much as those thoughts play out in the back of my mine I know he wouldn’t do that. Don’t really know how I know that but I just do.

My eye lids felt heavy as they tried to flutter themselves open. Took bout a few second before my eyes were completely open. Felt like we’d been sleeping for hours, probably have been. I could still feel him in my arms, for a moment there I thought I’d wake up and he’d be gone but he wasn’t. Still there like he was when we fell asleep. Couldn’t help but snuggle my body up closer to his. I wanted to fall back to sleep so we could stay like this, didn’t want to wake up. Didn’t want him to wake up, was worried when he did things would slowly start to change. I didn’t want that, wanted things to stay how they are now cuase everything felt so right, felt so perfect.

I placed a kiss on his forehead and then his check. As I did so I noticed his eyes startin’ to blink open “Mornin’ love. Hope you enjoyed the rest.” I say looking at him with a adoring look.
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